Endurance

Life well lived

The last week has been another emotional roller coaster of this journey where one day is joy and optimism and the next day is of darkness and questioning. Is it weird that these ups and downs are expected - almost normal?

I can’t underestimate that my mental state has big role in my physical state. I’ve been sleeping in lately and I am questioning why…

Last week a couple of events happened. Each event related to each other.

Delia Reyes Bannister - My dearest Tital Del passed away on Sunday August 20th. She was near and dear to me. She thrived after a decade plus of breast cancer and its complications. I remember when I got diagnosed last year and her words of encouragement to me is to trust the process, surround yourself with people that would be there for you from their hearts, and make sure you live a full life. A full life. She was the one who always made sure my cousins and I were OK throughout our lives, not in the physical sense but in our lives. Always asking if we were happy. She loved when I would introduce all my loves to her - know that this is three amazing people that have journeyed with my through my decades. And each of them felt the love from her, as long as they treated me with respect and loved me through and through from their hearts. She was special and loving and generous with her love and time. She raised us up every time we saw her. Even though we didn’t see her as much as I wanted - she and my dad’s sisters have lived in Thunder Bay since the ‘70s, I knew she was always there for what ever we needed. Now, I know that she and my dad and my sister and all of our departed relatives, are looking over me as I go through this chapter in my life. She’s in a better place and not suffering from the pains she had. She’ll be the one accessorized from head to toe and I’ll remember that because that’s me too, a true Reyes Leo. Her funeral, which I attended virtually, reminded me of both a start and a beginning. My darling Tita Del…

Birthday News - I turned the ripe age of 52 last week after weeks of amazing energy and activity. What we learned that morning was the not best news to start the day. We’ve been waiting for the surgical report from my bronchoscopy the week prior. My cancer is back! Evidence of metastatic colon cancer came up in the biopsy. Huge news that was met with extreme emotions of what the fuck?!? After a year of remission and overall normalcy in my day to day activity. Howthefuckever?!? Took a couple of days for this to sink in and of course the return of the rabbit hole of what’s next. Our amazing oncologist delivered it to the point and with lots of empathy. We worked out an initial plan - get back on full strength chemo of FolFox which includes Oxaliplatin, Leucovorin, and 5FU which I had the most of my first twelve rounds last year, in the later rounds would add FolFoxiri to get an extra-strength dose, FolFox plus Avastin and potentially Ironitican in later rounds. In addition to this standard of care, we will do research on any potential clinic trials to plus up my treatment. BUT, we need to get a PET scan to understand the location of the metastisis to my lungs and the potential spread. This will help us determine a lot of things. The silver lining in all of this is THAT I am healthy right now which was very different from last year. I am going into this chapter stronger both physically and mentally. Although mentally this roller coaster is kinda getting to me. Last year was taking all the punches as they came, this year we know a lot more and know where we came from. Controlling these emotions is so hard. I can’t express how much it does take a toll. I feel that I am constantly balancing happy/sad, life/death but need to focus on the hear and now. Taking one day at a time and wrestling with what comes to mind. I can’t forget that I didn’t wallow in the grief of the day as I got a lot of great birthday videos and wishes which ultimately put a smile to my face plus the best birthday desserts from Wuolett and Marc Heu Patisserie from the always thoughtful husband of mine. What more can I ask for?

Weekend Reset - With all this news, Jeffry found a place to escape that weekend to Grand Marais. In fact, he found the same place we stayed at last year last minute before my major surgery. The drive up was just what we needed - fresh air and a fresh mindset. A time to regroup. A time to cry our eyes out. A time take in the powers of Mother Superior before we go into this next chapter. By the way, the East Bay Suites is where we stayed facing the lake. We slept those two nights with the windows open, hearing the waves ebbing and flowing, putting us in space that we needed at that moment. Added bonus is that we were steps away from the World’s Best Doughnuts and had skizzles everyday. Check it out when you are up north!

Well, till the next update my friends. Obviously there is so much to share but thought I’d start here with all the news that we had to deal with. I’ll continue to bring back my CaringBridge posts with some reflections but adding in some of these up to the moments musings is helping process the now. XXX

Leaving you with words of love and grief from Will Dempsey. Truth be told, my sister sent me an Insta reel that turned me on to the whole song. Thanks LRB!

I don't know why God always takes the good ones first
And man I've tried to be strong and carry on, but damn this hurts
And I just wish that I could talk to you again, somehow, some way
Even if it's for a moment, so I can hear you say

[Chorus]
Don't cry for me; I'm alright
Yeah, I'm better than you know
And this life can be a shorter ride
So don't waste it on sorrow
And just hold on to those moments
And the memories we shared
We're both headed for the same place anyway
I just beat you there

I know they say, "Just give it a little time, you'll be okay."
That might bе true; it don't really help mе today
And we ain't supposed to question the Man upstairs
'Cause there's just so much I don't understand
It just don't seem fair

[Chorus]
Don't cry for me; I'm alright
Yeah, I'm better than you know
And this life can be a shorter ride
So don't waste it on sorrow
And just hold on to those moments
And the memories we shared
We're both headed for the same place anyway
I just beat you there

[Bridge]
And as each day goes by
I get a little bit stronger
But that don't stop me from wishing you
Were here a little bit longer
Whoa, oh, oh
Whoa, oh, whoa, oh

And so I'm gonna smile when I think of you
Like I know you'd want me to
And I know you're watching over me
In everything I do
And all those things I never got to say
Well I'll send 'em with this prayer
Then look up, wipe my tears and raise my beer
Mm, mm

[Outro]
And I'll see you there
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
And I'll see you there
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

I tend to read the lyrics first to feel rush of internal emotions that words connect us with but for those that want to hear his voice here is link to his official video. Enjoy!